Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(

   Wonder Woman earned $300 million worldwide in its first week. "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

   Two F-words rednecks can't stand: Fire & Fury.

   Bl@ck History Month reminds us that peanut butter was invented by a bl@ck guy... One can only assume "Chunky" was in reference to his white girlfriend.

   Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?

   Guy walking through the Olympic Village when a man askd him "are you a Pole Vaulter" the guys says "No I'm a German but how did you know my name was Valter"

   Yo Hologram Tupac, I'm real happy for you and I'ma let you finish but Obi-Wan Kenobi was one of the best holograms of all time!

   They say men are from mars and women are from Venus, but I'd like to believe men are from earth and women are from earth also.

   My Dr told me I might have that new Chinese disease...Its called Dragon Ass

   The police knocked on my door last night and said my dog had chased someone on a bike... I called Bullcr*p..... My dog doesn't have a bike..

   Sugar is sweet and so is honey, Beat ya meat and save ya money"!

   A lady said her water broke. I offered her my unopened bottle of Aquafina but she kept shouting. She shouted so much an ambulance came.

   In celebration of Cinco De Mayo I'll be drinking Guinness and Jameson Whiskey tonight. Ole!

   Awkward moment for a liverpool fan : when they ask what's the time and its 19:18........

   Hey, it's Fat Tuesday, or just Tuesday, as it's known at Kirstie Alley's house.

   I throw my telescope in the air sometimes. Sayin' AYOOO I'm Galileo.

   I miss Gary Coleman, I grew up with him...he just never did.

   does anyone find it a bit distasteful that the movie Soul Surfer was released during "Shark Week"? I'm just saying!

   Sesame street announced this week that Bert and Ernie are not Gay. I knew that already, They have no sense of style and haven't changed their outfits in 25 years. They are just dirty old men like me.

   What has 50 legs and smells like urine? The Conga line at the nursing home's "Annual Harvest Moon Dance".