Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trump: Don't judge me on the man I was 10 years ago. But please judge Hillary on the man her husband was 20 years ago.

   Redneck word of the day: pistol "I drank so many beers I think I might pistol the sun comes up."

   I kissed with an ohmless girl last night............. There was very little resistance

   So you're Chinese? "Japanese" Sorry..& what a cute litte girl.. "Boy" Oh a boy. Of course.. And I like your pet croc.. "Alligator" I should go..

   What do the Chinese call a 69? Twocanchew

   I GOT ALL KINDS OF B1TCHES!!! German shepards, chihuahuas, dobermans, poodles...

   A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

   My wife said she was going to leave me so I chopped off her legs ..then she came crawling back..!!

   I scrolled too far back on my timeline and I ended up on myspace

   If your boyfriend is pierced on both ears and wears earrings or as he likes to call them “studs”, then I am really sorry to inform you that he also has a boyfriend.

   I wish my grass was Emo, so it would cut itself.

   this chick 'Beyonce' lost her phone today She said its on silent. I was like, "If you liked it then you shouldve put a ring on it!"

   What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing.. they just WAVED...Do you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH. :)

   Who goes clubbing in tight jeans with no underwear and forgets to do his fly up? I'm that guy

   what goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives you a warm satisfaction?...a teabag

   Potatoes have skin, you have skin. Therefore you are a potato.

   My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

   single for Valentine's again this year. I think my skin is the wrong color...women seem to like diamond skin now a days.

   Catholic." ... ... ... He says, "Yes, I'm single & Catholic!" The nun kisses the driver then asks why he is crying. I lied. I must confess I'm married & I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin & I'm going to a Halloween party!"

   ok, so what do you call a fish with no eyes? a fsh!