Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men, if you think you've figured women out, just try to explain how the song "You're So Vein" isn't about him...

   I become the Usain Bolt of eating every time I'm sharing pizza.

   I know you were very attractive 30 years ago but that is history now.

   Remember when razors only had two blades? Or what tissue companies call the "good ol' days"?

   8:30am and it already feels like the longest day of the year.

   Im sitting on the bus minding my own business, until I pull out my Ipad...Long story short, I have 20 extra friends playing candy crush with me now!

   I think we should buy a lot of sh&t we don't need and then find a soul-crushing job to pay for them.

   You've actually friendzoned yourself the moment you allowed him to approach her in your presence, making you wait till they're done talking.

   I love bourbon and bourbon loves me. It's the most functional relationship I ever had in my life.

   YouTube = Commercials load within seconds.

   Instead of Petronella your parents should have named you Psychonella.

   People with boring Facebook profiles need to stop making the situation worse and awkward by further creating Facebook Pages which they constantly beg us to like.

   How soon is too soon to have a new friend come over to scratch a rash that may or may not be contagious?

   It's not easy being flesh and blood in a world full of plastic people.

   We’re all photogenic on the millionth try!

   Just saw Styx at the County Fair....Wow,  if you gave them machine guns they could double as the Euro-Villans  from Die hard....

   tell her she is worthless, that is something she will believe without whining about what you are saying.

   when science teachers were gonna talk about "natural disasters" I thought they were gonna talk about relationships

   My life's ambition is to one day have wiki-link about me, containing the word "Condition."

   There's always somebody else out there that will love you, but not if you're ugly.