Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dont forget to turn your clocks back this weekend, i'm turning mine back to 1970 when we had no illegal immigrants

   Women are like alarm clocks. They won't shut up until you hit them.

   Corvette....Helping men compensate for small wieners since 1953.

   I would worship God, even if there's no Heaven.

   Iphones, so people know you're a douche bag with out having to say it

   Big girls dont cry (They eat)

   7 things I look for in a girl: Beautiful Intelligent Gentle Thoughtful Innocent Trustworthy Sensible. ;)

   puts the fun in funeral

   Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over

   Ok, so now I have my coal in the pressure cooker....How long will this take?

   It took a movie like Blindside and Jesse James' cheating ways for Sandra Bullock to decide to adopt a black baby.

   The Twilight Saga is a lot like the World Cup! They run around for a few hours, no one scores and the fans say you have to watch it to understand.

   "Absolutely, sir. And what kind of pig would you like to hear?" (Real American, if he was in Deliverance)

   During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

   Out of the 20 richest women in the world, only one did not inherit their money from their husband or father!

   NO alcohol...NO fun. KNOW alcohol...KNOW fun!

   The Only Difference Between My Car, And Yours Is Mine Did'nt Come Here On A Boat.

   Beyonce gave birth by a C-section? Guess she didn't want her thing stretched out

   July 4th is the perfect day to get rid of your spouse.....with the fireworks bangs..no one will hear a couple of shots:)

   How do you make White House Soup? You start with a laughing stock and and a whole bunch of nuts.