Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Science Fun Fact: It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light or get higher than Snoop Dogg.

   People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world

   With all the negativity on the internet lately its nice to Charlie Sheen is positive...

   So if tears are just weakness leaving your body, what's diarrhea?

   Did you know xanax and chicken are both gluten free?..... *This diet really isn't that difficult.

   Apparently a guy in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 is the limit fellas.

   I hate it when you are in the bathroom and there is no toilet paper and you have to ask the person in the stall next to you to come over and wipe for you.

   Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

   unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, I ain’t chasing sh*t

   It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

   People need to stop hiding behind the cloak of religious dogma and simply focus on becoming a better person.

   We lost our moon to Mars? This is so saddening.

   when Trump said "Obama wiretapped me," he didn't mean "Obama wiretapped me." Which part of Obama wiretapped me don't you people understand?

   My wife asked why I carry a gun in the house, I said Spies. She laughed, I laughed ,the microwave laughed .

   What is all this talk about sacrificing grandma in order to boost the economy??? You people are sick!

   Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

   I m@sturbated so good last night, when I woke up this morning, my dik was cooking breakfast.

   I hear tomorrow, Trump is going to plagiarize the Gettysburg address.

   Hey idiots, Donald said he's going to "cut Taxes" NOT "cut Texans"

   FOX News has the most embarrasing moments on TV EVER! Every time you think they're done embarresing themselves - WOW!