Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks a balanced meal is chocolate in both hands

   Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

   what you see is what you get this is me I cannot change the way I am because then I wouldnt be me

   an angel. When someone breaks my wings, I simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. I am flexible.

   Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

   I doubt, therefore I might be.

   thinks that the legalization of marijuana for medicinal purposes should have been part of the Health Care Bill. I could then have developed a serious case of anal glaucoma and I would be too stoned to care about all the money this is going to cost us.

   I want my boss to tell my coworker to shave her mustache! If I have too she has to too.

   Gravity is a myth,earth sucks.

   If at 1st you don't succeed, being a magician that saws people in half might not be for you.

   I see Charlie Brown hittin' on Jessica Rabbitt, Transformers talkin dirty to Sailor Moon, Daria sxting Rainbow Brite, Woodpeckers and Woodys gettin buzz lightyeared, wtf .. I'm goin back 2 sleep

   wondering if a strap-on is considered an artificial limb?

   - Like Kermit says, "It isn't easy being Rob Green"

   the plastic things at the end of the shoelaces are called aglets and their real purpose is sinister

   if in 2012 the world does not end, the naked guy sticking his tongue out of the middle of the Mayan calander can lick my @$$.

   I'm on the best diet ever. It's called the "I'm too hungover to eat" diet.

   Don't focus on the one guy who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog s##t

   I want to be a bird. Not because I want the feeling of flight, but because I want to poop on people.

   I can't be your knight in shining armor.....but I DO have aluminum foil!

   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.