Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "When we went to Mexico, he didn't even bring up the "wall" he choked!" -Hillary

   We lost our moon to Mars? This is so saddening.

   when Trump said "Obama wiretapped me," he didn't mean "Obama wiretapped me." Which part of Obama wiretapped me don't you people understand?

   My wife asked why I carry a gun in the house, I said Spies. She laughed, I laughed ,the microwave laughed .

   What is all this talk about sacrificing grandma in order to boost the economy??? You people are sick!

   unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, I ain’t chasing sh*t

   It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

   People need to stop hiding behind the cloak of religious dogma and simply focus on becoming a better person.

   I m@sturbated so good last night, when I woke up this morning, my dik was cooking breakfast.

   NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.

   Wondering if the inventor or "crotchless panites" was thinking "Outside the box"

   Sean Connery came round my house to put some shelves up. They weren't level, so all my ornaments fell off. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm ashamed of my shelf"

   Well aware how much wood a woodchuck could chuck.

   I'm booking a cruise ship for a trip from reality. I need a count. Who wants tickets?

   Today, everyone was telling me a girl I like wanted me to ask her on a date. I approached her, and asked if it was true. She said yes, but only because she wanted to reject me in person. FML

   I didn't get a toy train for xmas like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by

   I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   They say bears are attracted to women on thier menstral cycle. Brave bears! Women don't have anything to worry about though because I think a 800 pound bear against a 100 pound women with cramps, it's pretty much a even fight don't ya think? In fact my mo

   Most of you are gonna stay up til midnight to see the new year in.....I'm gonna stay up to make sure 2009 leaves.

   Let's see how forthcoming my FBF'S are . Leave a swear word or your favorite cuss . I know most of you have potty mouths so go for it let loose.