Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just had to cancel my Christian Mingle account... they found out I was on JDate.

   Just Heard Donald Sterling is planning on buying the Boston Bruins once he sells the Clippers!

   I have the patience of a recently escaped serial killer.

   I wonder if Jesus ever saw the face of someone in his toast.

   This glue seems to have an awful lot of Chrome flakes in it

   Obama going to completely ignore the release of the iPhone 5S?

   If someone knocks on the door while you're in a toilet stall respond with "be with you in a second, let me finish up with this one first"

   Sometimes I'm more confused than a baby in a topless bar...

   What would a man have a need for shoes in the first place if he had no feet.. That gets an X for not funny

   Huh,,, It's pretty cool how willy wonka got away with murdering all those bratty kids that went on a tour of his candy factory... Hmmm

   I just saw a donkey use the zebra crossing to cross the road. What a smart ass!

   My alarm clock went off...I reached over and I guess I must have hit the "throw yourself against the wall and break into a thousand pieces" button.

   if you assume all people are crazy, the mystery of life would be solved.

   WHATS THE NAME OF THE SHOW WHERE THEY CATCH CRABS " JERSEY SHORE"

   In the Toronto mayor's defense it was maple syrup flavored crack...

   Funny how one morning you can wake up feeling like you're on a tropical island and the next day feel like you woke up on the island of misfit toys. . .

   im a real cool person once you get to ignore me

   If the NFL is so smart, why haven't they created a cable channel of just NFL cheerleaders dancing and jumping around?

   Listen to what girls say when they're angry... That's when the truth comes out.

   Apparently a seizure isn't a challenge to a dance-off.