Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Surprised to hear Chris Brown had released a single ft. Justin Bieber. I thought Chris was legally obliged to stay 100ft away from women

   Hi remember me? I'm the guy you never bothered to say goodbye to you self-conceited b!tch. .

   "This is for the time you peed on me. And this is for waking up so early. And this is..." - me, eating my kids Easter candy while they sleep

   If you had a terrible childhood,,, you're gonna be REALLY-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.

   GIVE ME A BEET! ~ Hip hop Chef

   Can you be addicted to chaos? Date a Ginger and you'll understand

   The world world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes

   My girlfriend is pregnant but I have never slept with her. When I asked her how come, she told me some lame story about Joseph & Mary.

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity.

   Whale watching outside of McDonalds.

   Mondays are Sunday's poop.

   I've never liked race related jokes, probably because I wasn't much of a runner

   It sucks when you have to much month left at the end of your money

   sitting at work prairie doggin' because I don't want to use the company bathroom. I hope I can hold this in for another 5 hours.

   I am not really scared that the world will end on 12/21/2012...I"m just scared of what crazy things people will do on that day.

   I am not allowed to talk to strange punctuations

   Internet Issues: Open a new tab & forget why.

   I need audio of crickets chirping on my phone so I can play after someone I don't like says a bad joke.

   I am such a thoughtful Lad! I bought my ex a chair for Christmas. But the power company won't let me hook it up.

   These girls in my online class are sooo hot hot. ... Oh wait nevermind, that's just internet porn.