Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I managed to work out by tracing backwards to where my relationships with women started to go wrong... I traced it back to... "and God created Eve."

   HEADLINE: Justin Bieber wanted for questioning after he allegedly assaulted a paparrazi. Maybe they just want to talk to Beiber as a witness. It was probably Selena Gomez that hit the guy!

   A woman can make a man a millionaire... If he's a billionaire

   I never realised there is a career for statues in the movie industry until I watched Bella in Twilight.

   PSA: My patience today is about as thin as my oldest pair of panties. If you are stupid please stay away from me.

   When I'm bored, I send a text to a random number saying "I hid the body in the sewer"

   To all of you women that get offended by men looking at your chests, just turn around, we like looking at butts too...

   Monday Morning. Kind of woke up needing Viola Davis to tell me you is kind you is smart you is important.

   One hour long text conversation = 5 minute face to face conversation.

   I hate when you friend request a hot chick, then they add you and you're going thru their pics only to find out they look like Rosie O'Donnell at 75 years old coming off a thirty day drinking binge.

   I think the smartest, most original thing a person can talk about is how early the Christmas decorations are up this year.

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ I'm in love with my computer. It's getting pretty serious

   So many women.... So little time to disappoint them all...

   My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough.

   When I'm staring at you while you're talking I'm like, "What an a-sss!"

   Martin Sheen would be the best President, let's all vote him in.

   I wonder if my cat thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream?

   Put down my club? Oh, you meant vote?........I thought Bernie wanted a Revolution?

   FACT: A baby is basically just a meatloaf that can look around a bit

   Then stop blaming all gun owners for the actions of one.