Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.

   It's time for Ray Rice to be Challenged. Lets see how many punches he can take before he is knocked out. . .

   Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".

   It's pretty presumptuous of lonely single women to just assume that a cat is going to want to be stuck with them forever don't you think?

   For future reference, farmers get super pissed if you sneak onto their property & chase their livestock with a Taser. It’s been a good day.

   I went to a store today that doesn't accept debit cards; only cash or personal check. I asked if I bring a chicken and basket of vegetables, can we barter next time. I don't think the young cashier got the joke.

   DIET HACK: You can use flour tortillas as napkins

   If she doesn't arch her back for you during sex, she is just no that into you bro.

   Hairdresser: do you like it? Me: yes thank you *goes home and cries* (happens everytime)

   I do dirty things when I'm home alone like the dishes, the laundry, all the housework,

   911: What's your emergency? Me: I can't get out of a conversation 911: That's not- Me: HE'S A VEGAN ATHEIST! 911: Dispatching SWAT now, Sir.

   Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle.

   Nothing is more disturbing than going into a public restroom and sitting on a warm toilet seat.

   I bet the tickle fights in jail are legendary.

   PRO TIP: For the Olympics,, If you plant a bunch of Doritos in the ground and water them every day with Red Bull, you can grow your very own Shaun White

   Why do people even bother to say stuff like, “Please say hi to so and so for me” when we all know very well that message is never passed on?

   Yes creepy guy at work , we all know what you mean when you talk about eating your wife's fish taco...

   Since Disney now owns Star Wars and the new one will be out this year, featuring Princess Leia. That would now make her a Disney Princess.

   I can look dead in your face while you’re talking, and not hear a damn thing you said.

   You probably shouldn't call me lazy until you've taken a few steps in my sandals.