santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,

   Surgeon General's Warning To Parents: When your kids are old enough to buy their own birthday presents for you, the gifts get really, really crappy.

   SCORE!!! .... I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough....Well ... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !

   Evidently Cheering and doing play by play while my wife is wrapping presents wasn't the help she was looking for.

   I made the mistake of getting my girlfriend an ipad mini for christmas. Now ipad gets more facetime than me. :(

   I was in Walmart the other day and noticed they had some Obama Christmas tree decorations for sale...I guess they figure it's okay to hang a black man from a tree now.......

   “I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Hillary. They all hang together; half of them don't work, and the ones that do, aren't that bright.

   All I wanted for Xmas was for the pirate bay website to come back. Is that too much to ask?

   TIP! Never wear a Santa hat with a jingle bell at the tip when trying to secretly jerk off in the women's bathroom stalls.

   I was excited to bring home my Xmas Tree but I didn't have the heart to tell it I'd be leaving it in the street for dead in just a few weeks.

   I always try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

   I know what I'm getting all my Mayan friends for Christmas!

   Santa saw your Facebook pictures. …You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas

   it me or does Harry look like the bully from A Christmas Story?

   wants a hippopotamus for Christmas.

   Merry Hammered People!!!! I'm Christmas!!!!

   Dear Santa, Can we talk about this? I'm so sick and tired being on that list. I'm just having fun.

   Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, “Will you be putting this up yourself?” “NO YOU SICK CRAZY NUT!! I'm putting it up in my living room!”

   My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up

   Todays a perfect day to walk down the street dressed as Santa Clause while holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, sobbing & yelling  "You guys forgot about me!"