Funny Status Messages
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?” 
My internet connection failed all afternoon and I had to open a book and read it ...like a wild animal.
World: We’re gonna use the scale where 0° is freezing and 100° is boiling. America: Cool, we’re gonna use the one that doesn’t make sense.
How about we replace the water in these Ice bucket challenges with acid and rid ourselves of some of these self-conceited and egoistic "celebrities"???
I was going to have sex with you , but you said okie dokie
The Economist has calculated that the world is 52 trillion dollars in debt. Who on earth does the world owe? Jupiter?!!
On Christmas my brothers and sisters come over with all their ADHD kids, they all really love my Amphetamine Apple Pie!
My boyfriend just brought me flowers.. By boyfriend, I mean dog. By flowers, I mean tennis ball.
"You won a math debate" .. say it fast and out loud.
I'll throw my hands in the air, but when it comes to waving them around, don't expect me not to care.
Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed yo midunderstanding you.
A "High Class" tattoo has to be the greatest oxymoron ever!
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt. Undoubtedly, all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony.
I've lost my mind, if you find it please put it back in the gutter..
Man tried to hitch on an Airbus by hiding inside the landing tire... people say he was terminally ill! what a turbulent life...
This day has been pointless… Kinda like Halle Berry topless in ‘Swordfish'….. Pointless!
After all these years It finally hit me why Prison/Jail is called "The Pokey"
went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.
Winter is supposed to leave tomorrow, so he showed up early this morning, threw sh*t around, made me feel cold and desolate, and left his money shot all over my car. He must be related to my ex.
Has just realised something; all my role models, idols and people I look upto were all on drugs! :p 