Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror.

   Man that Bears loss hurt me more than my divorce

   next worldcup england are going to wear jerseys with a GPS system.......so that they know where the goal is:D

   If people criticise or hurt or shout at you, dont bother. Just remember that in every game audience make the noise, not the players

   just saw a bumper sticker on the back of a Toyota today that said: "I Brake for NOTHING!"

   MAN'S POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s**t.

   Karma: The "Gotcha" of the gods

   I was gonna tell a midget joke.. but I thought that would be kinda low.

   Never tell your woman shut up... just tell her that her lips are sexy when they are closed...

   "I faked all my LOLs."

   Why aren't mustaches called mouth brows?

   santa has to be the greatest criminal ever...a million cases of breaking & entering...the police everywhere know where he lives but he knows how to buy everyone of them off with gifts

   Let's name things we're grateful for. I'll start: Skin.

   If you are not Happy being Single, You will never be Happy in a relationship.

   some girls are such sluts I wouldnt even poke them on Fackbook

   Love thy neighbor, just dont get caught .....

   Are airline stewards forbidden from saying "Hi Jack," even if the pilot's name is "Jack?"

   Be nice to your neighbors.. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good screams and your bad screams..Happy Halloween!

   There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable.

   My day starts just like any normal guy. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat.