santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   dear santa, I found the shoes I want, text me for my size

   Well this morning I woke up in a box under my tree... I guess I should of been more specific when I told Santa "I want the sexiest person alive for Christmas"!

   "i don't really like blow ups... they just don't do it for me." -overheard in the Christmas inflatables section of Target

   The ads on the right-hand side of my screen are for Meth-awareness, 'Get Yourself Tested' & Buy or lease a new Hummer this Christmas...Great so, Facebook has catagorized me as a disease-infested, drug-loving slut that dosen't care about the environment???

   No thanks I am not drinking alcohol for now. I am saving myself for Christmas eve.

   Coffee Shop Sign: Unattended children will be given double espressos and made wild promises about what Santa is bringing them.

   People who say "May the 4th be with you" are the same people who say "see you next year" at the employee Christmas party.

   Nothing puts me into the #Christmas spirit like #shopping. On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, On VISA.

   When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

   I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.

   I remember when Santa said I was to old to sit on his lap. Well that was last year, this year I am wearing a disguise.

   After putting up xmas lights last night I'm wondering why no one hasn't opened up a business that untangles xmas lights...

   Santa has been cleared to enter US airspace. But he will be subject to strip searches by TSA. Since elderly people rarely file lawsuits.

   its okay Christmas Tree. My lights don't come on either.

   I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!

   It’s Fourth of July weekend, or, as I call it, Exploding Christmas.

   I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   Like people who leave their Christmas decorations up all year I left my Halloween decorations up and saved a lot of work thanks to the spiders!