Funny Status Messages

   I find a bit of sick pleasure in holding the door for people that are still far away to force them into an awkward run

   just sent a text message to a random number saying "Im Pregnant"

   I tried to look up the Kelly Blue Book value of my car and it said before it could tell me it needed to know how much gas was in it....

   offering his new drink. It's the Bin Laden. It's two shots and a splash of water.

   Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a $100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?"

   'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME

   LIKE if you remember having to REWIND a video before you returned it.

   I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"

   "If you're good at something, never do it for free" ~ The Joker (The Dark Knight)

   Ladies If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, then you ain't as cute as you think you are

   If twitter went away, would anyone care?

   Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

   If you never jumped from one couch to the other to save yourself from the lava then you didn't have a childhood

   says it's been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom....

   According to legend, the only way to appease the volcano in Iceland is to sacrifice Miley Cyrus & Justin Bieber.

   it's a status....not your diary...

   I think it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a merry Christmas... poor guy... :-(

   9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing, 100 are geting head and you are reading my status. Hang in there mate

   7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

   My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.