Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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It's funny, when my wife gives me the silent treatment. She actually thinks it's a punishment. 
A North Carolina woman stabbed her roommate's ex-boyfriend because she claimed he wouldn't stop playing Eagles music. He's OK, but apparently she stabbed him with those steely knives but she just couldn't kill the beast.
Life is short. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me, then I will.
Business in the front, party in the back! Linda’s Accounting And Brothel Services.
Having a child is like having a little broke ass best friend!
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Don't just steal your kids' Halloween candy. Eat it in front of them. Clean up after them. Support them until age 26. Show them who's boss.
For those who are constantly pondering whether the Glass is half empty ... or half full, miss the point!!! The Glass is Refillable!
Well, it's that day that we act like our vote matters.
#marriage Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.
My great grandfather is gone out drinking. He's celebrating finally paying off his student loan .
What I envy in women is their ability to argue without any valid points whatsoever and still claim victory.
Just put up my three foot Christmas tree, needed my six foot ladder to put the star on
Don't just be part of the couch.... Be the couch.
Dear Santa: Please refer to my Pinterest board.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Men in white windowless van's have the worst candy.
Never criticise your husband's faults. It may have been those little imperfections which stopped him from getting a better wife.
My New Years resolution is simple…. Remember to write 2017 instead of 2016
Due to slow sales, Apple CEO Tim Cook has been given a 15 percent pay cut. Or as Cook is spinning it, he’s coming out with a thinner more lightweight wallet. 