Funny Status Messages

   I'm not good in relationships.My last relationship ended when I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam up to the surface.

   .I hate it when celebrities get on TV and tell us to donate to some fund… B!tch, you make 12 million a movie & I make $12/hr. You send money..

   Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.

   Fun Fact: Half of the current value of the US Stock Market was created between 1817 and 2009. The other half was created under the current Republican congress.

   well...I can't afford a breast lift. Suppose I could pierce my nipples and wear a magnet around my neck!!

   Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

   Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge

   starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD, & if anyone feels the urge to tidy up, by all means go ahead

   Whenever I don't hear from someone in a while I think, "Oh, sh$t They found out."

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive...but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good… Sounds like Santa's got a Facebook.

   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

   No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.

   I have learned one thing since joining Facebook - I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.

   I figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For Extra Volume and Body". I'm going to start using Dawn dish soap. It says "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

   Some chick with rainbow spiked hair caught me staring. She goes, "What up, dude? Ya never did anything wild?" I said, "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid."

   How come rappers always brag about being criminals and committing crimes, but then whine like little babies when people illegally download their music. Dang hypocrites.

   Sometimes when my internet is down,i forget that the rest of my computer still works.

   I was blown away when I realised the word ' OK ' is a side ways person,...

   Wonders why people stare at you when they catch you talking to yourself...EXCUSE ME but I'm having a conversation here!!!