Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard

   It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.

   There are 470 tiles on my church's ceiling.

   Ooh, baby. Can you do that thing to me with your mouth? You know. Shut it and don't speak. Oh yeah. That's feels awesome.

   My lady asked me if we could go out to somewhere expensive the other night, so I took her to the gas station.

   I did 26 situps this morning. It's not a lot, but then again how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock?

   just set my phone to flight mode and then threw it in the air, let's just say... WORST TRANSFORMER EVER.

   I bet Harold Camping's church service Sunday was pretty awkward.

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

   You know a girl just broke up with her boyfriend when she starts putting a million quotes on Facebook.

   Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.

   Its funny that when you put a depressing status on Facebook some people actually like it?.. "Im feeling down and going to jump off a bridge" ... 10 people like this?..WTF!!!

   Man Fact: Even if a Man notices that another Man's fly is down, he will Never tell him out of fear of the follow-up question, "Why are you looking there?"....

   Good thing I got this degree, just in case this unemployment thing doesn't work out.

   To all the Mothers and Grandmothers out there, whether here on Earth or an Angel in Heaven: Thank you for teaching us all we know. Being a mother is not easy.

   Admits that even as an adult, finding an onion ring mixed in with my fast food french fries is exciting.

   Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home.

   My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked me what was I doing...apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't the right answer.

   If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.

   If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.