Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 241 of 6389
So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
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02-10-2015 15:11
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I miss elementary school days where I would have a doctor's appointment and come back to school like a boss with McDonald's.
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04-29-2015 06:50
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Kanye is not TOTALLY useless, he did raise Beck awareness. That is a good thing
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02-12-2015 20:59
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For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction in the media.
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03-04-2015 11:04
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The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
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02-14-2016 03:42
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Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.
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02-22-2016 04:40
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Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?
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04-06-2016 19:49 by Aaron
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Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.
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04-12-2016 14:51
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Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....
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04-23-2016 07:53
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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05-06-2016 05:13
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The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"
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05-19-2016 02:20
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Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.
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10-22-2014 19:15 by huck
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1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me
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06-10-2015 13:33
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Thank you, True Crime, for sayingthat was a reenactment. I was prettyupset your camera person didn’tstop that murder.
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09-12-2013 12:55
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LinkedIn Bans P rostitutes And E scorts! I wasn't even aware this service was available on LinkedIn. Why am I always late to the party?
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05-15-2013 00:16
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In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those
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06-16-2013 10:30 by Fluff!!
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I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
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12-28-2012 16:48 by abc1007
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Every day is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that they chose Tobey Maguire to play Spiderman.
I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors
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07-28-2012 09:40 by snotty
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