Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?
←Rate | 12-06-2014 06:44 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
←Rate | 02-10-2015 15:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I miss elementary school days where I would have a doctor's appointment and come back to school like a boss with McDonald's.
←Rate | 04-29-2015 06:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kanye is not TOTALLY useless, he did raise Beck awareness. That is a good thing
←Rate | 02-12-2015 20:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction in the media.
←Rate | 03-04-2015 11:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
←Rate | 02-14-2016 03:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.
←Rate | 02-22-2016 04:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?
←Rate | 04-06-2016 19:49 by Aaron Comments (1)  


   messageicon Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 14:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....
←Rate | 04-23-2016 07:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
←Rate | 05-06-2016 05:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"
←Rate | 05-19-2016 02:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.
←Rate | 10-22-2014 19:15 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon 1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me
←Rate | 06-10-2015 13:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thank you, True Crime, for sayingthat was a reenactment. I was prettyupset your camera person didn’tstop that murder.
←Rate | 09-12-2013 12:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon LinkedIn Bans P rostitutes And E scorts! I wasn't even aware this service was available on LinkedIn. Why am I always late to the party?
←Rate | 05-15-2013 00:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those
←Rate | 06-16-2013 10:30 by Fluff!! Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
←Rate | 12-28-2012 16:48 by abc1007 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every day is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that they chose Tobey Maguire to play Spiderman.
←Rate | 10-06-2012 11:19 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors
←Rate | 07-28-2012 09:40 by snotty Comments (0)  




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