Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   CNN Breaking news: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released......

   Now, show me on the doll where the Government touched you...

   Just finished charging my iPhone. Lets see how long the battery la

   For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea's TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...

   I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

   I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them.

   Go home North Korea, you're drunk!

   I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.

   There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where you can take what you just said back.

   Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. MY question, why didn't the cameraman help her up?

   Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??

   Happy Mothers Day to all the stay at home dads

   Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   wondering how long it took the first humans to realize the first person to die was dead? " Hey man wake up already you are starting to smell."

   I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"

   Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.

   There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"