Funny Status Messages and Tweets

     You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

   Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.

   One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.

   Most wives don't want to hear their husband's opinion. They want to hear their own opinion- in their husband's voice.

   if a person starts a sentence with, "Not to sound like an a**hole..." Guess what they're gonna sound like....?

   I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update

   Sometimes my girlfriend is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?" Why doesn't she just answer me?

   There's got to be an easier way to get vodka into a Capri Sun.

   when it costs more to get to work than you make, the amish are probly laughin their @sses off

   Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL

   Disney's now letting its theme park employees grow beards. I don't know... I think some kids might get freaked out by Snow White's new goatee.

   I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.

   take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

   Apparently it's green week. In an effort to contribute, I just created a save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?"

   Wait, Miley Cyrus has been 18 for only a week, and there's already naked pictures of her? Somebody might be beating Lindsay to porn.

   Victoria's Secret Fashion Show and The Biggest Loser....On TV at the same time tonight...makes me wanna eat chocolate cake then go throw it up....

   doesn't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   Trust is like a piece of paper,once its crumpled it cant be perfect!

   that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.