santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Got my wife some lovely perfume for Xmas, its called Tester.. Hope she likes it.

   Bought all of my Christmas gifts really early this year, Hope everyone likes Halloween costumes

   My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra.

   Just got a belly piercing. It's a mistletoe, I don't want any confusion on where I want your lips this Christmas.

   got a sweater for Christmas ... he really wanted a moaner or a screamer 

   I couldn't believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I'd spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down.....

   So...I met this really nice girl at closing time last night. Granted, she's missing both her front teeth but Christmas is coming, right?!? I think it can work...

   Thank you everyone who group text me with Merry Christmas. I just woke up to hundreds of "you too" texts from people I don't know....fml

   Christmas shopping is a pain in the cash.

   liked to climb trees as a kid....until I fell and broke all the Christmas presents.

   The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.

   This Friday, the offical Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list.

   I asked my daughter to make a list of things she wants from Santa, and her reply was "I don't need to make Santa a wish list, daddy. He's been watching me all year...he knows what I want!" I'm &#%ked.

   Halloween = candy. Thanksgiving = food. Christmas = gifts. New years = drinks. Valentines day = sex. Birthday = all of the above.

   I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: "Santa doesn't exist, but that's ok, cause I can't read."

   January: that special time of the year when a children's Christmas toys & their parents are BOTH broke..

   The best gift of all, is freedom and health. Merry Christmas

   You know telling the kids that the Easter bunny is watching just doesn't have the same power as Santa's watching!!!

   Just signed all my Facebook friends up for free samples of Astroglide. Happy Holidays!

   Oh yes Gwyneth Paltrow, you are so very country strong. I guess being born in LA, going to private school NYC and attending college in Santa Barbara really prepared ya.