Funny Status Messages

   Wow!! Tension's in Korea is increasing. Rumor has it that France has already offered to surrender........

   I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

   Here's a question...Why do girls take pictures together in the bathroom when they go out? I cant recall a single time my buddys and I have posed up for a photo in the john...does it smell like picture time or what??

   I don't have an attitude problem. I have an attitude that you have a problem with. Therefore, I just have an attitude!

   When the public restroom is out of paper towels, I slap strangers on the back and tell them "good game" until my hands are dry.

   It really sucked having to waddle across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with my pants around my ankles......and I don't think the shoppers at Target were very happy about it either!

   My auto-correct has the education of a free year old.

   LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a lame reply saying “LOL”.

   I opened up Microsoft Word, sneezed all over my keyboard, I accidently made a Honey Boo Boo reality show script.

   I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

   I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

   Dressed my snowman up as a security guard, and then I put him out in front of a snow bank.

   I'm not saying Putin is humiliating president Obama but the last time a Russian treated an African American this way, Apollo Creed died...

   Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I'm married to her and I don't even have a chance.

   I'm so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.

   I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you.

   People who say they are "comfortable in their own skin," scare me because I wonder how they know what it's like to wear someone else's skin

   Looks like Southwest Airlines needs to install a GPS Tomtom in the planes so their pilots don't get lost.

   Anything I say or do before i've had my coffee doesn't count.

   Vasaline is the key to having sex with your spouse after having children... *Just stick that stuff on the outside of the doorknob and the kids can't turn the knob to get in.