Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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"If you want to fly, you got to give up the sh*t that weighs you down!"

Intelligence is like underwear: It's important to have it, but you don't have to show it off...

read that a new study indicates that 80% of children aged 0 to 5 are already exposed to some computer use. In response to show their concern, Apple Computer has announced the new iCrib to target the remaining 20%.
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03-16-2011 11:24 by markf
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Happy and in a good place this morning. Now... If only I could remember how the hell I got here!!!
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04-01-2011 11:36 by Lonagan
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My husband snores at night, so he bought a bunch of those Breathe Right Strips for me to shove in my ears
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04-10-2011 17:00 by Destiiny
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would like monkey bars alot more if they were less like playground equipment, and more like places monkeys go to drink beer and socialize
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06-13-2011 13:18
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Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married too.

The Insomnia Train has arrived. I didn't want to board, but I was shoved. Now I'm sitting here, I have no clue where I'll end up and I don't like the company. I sure wish it was The Crazy Train instead.

already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
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02-05-2011 10:51
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"I tolerate you better than I do anyone else" is the new "I love you."

The Mona Lisa is one of the most respected pieces of art in the history of the world, and yet, the second you put a replica of it in your living room, it instantly becomes the tackiest piece of sh*t I've ever seen, Mom.
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02-13-2011 21:18
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According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia makes us winners.
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03-05-2011 14:57 by Charles35
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whenever theres a need to sign into an online acct and it asks the security question 'whats your favorite animal' I wonder how many ppl besides me answer with Liger.
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04-19-2011 12:51 by BonBon
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Everything is so digital these days, my kids can't even read a clock with hands.
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05-04-2011 23:44 by Cheryl
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...today's the day we mother's get some relief from the curse OUR mother's handed down when they told us "one day you'll have a kid JUST LIKE YOU!!" Have a great MOM'S DAY everyone!! =D
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05-08-2011 00:18
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I like to skip my digestive system and just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my toilet.
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05-17-2011 16:02
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I've been keeping this a secret for almost a year now because I didn't want to lose friends: I don't work on Mondays.
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07-16-2012 03:12
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Got kicked out of a Gatorade convention. I guess standin behind the women and whispering "is it in you?" was the wrong thing to do.

You know what I like most about people? Pets.
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07-23-2012 15:16
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Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.
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07-23-2012 22:22 by BEGO
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