Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come we can put a man on the moon but we can't made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?

   It's scary how your life is based on how well you do as a teenager

   Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?

   The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper..

   If you didn't want me looking in your bedroom why did you put your window at the same height as my ladder?

   She wants to share a Facebook account? Run.

   I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to f*ck off and buy my own.

   Always be positive. *Trips down the stairs* "Wow, I got down those stairs fast!"

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"

   Sometimes The Best Things In Life Are Worth Waiting For.. So Wait For Me I Will Be Right Back...

   Ex girlfriends are like farts...They feel good to let go but then they just linger around and annoy all your friends...

   If you were to combine all the holidays, you'd eat turkey, give presents, hide eggs, light fireworks, and dress like a sIutty nurse all in the same day.

   I realize there are better things in this world than beer...but beer makes up for the fact that I don't have any of them.

   My mom told me not to believe everything I see on the internet. So does that mean there really arn't sexy singles dying to meet me? :/

   We all spend our lives looking for the weaknesses in each other forgetting that it's our strengths that define who we truly are.

   They probably just called her an "explorer" because "Dora the Drug Mule" didn't rhyme.

   Guys, the only thing that beats playing with your kids is playing with the box they came in...

   NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”  

   I think people should start adding carnivore to their bio, like vegetarians do. That way we're all clear on everyone's daily meal plan.

   As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.