Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re assigned green beans for Thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

   My wife just asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

   How do you know you're allergic to cats if you don't even eat them?

   I don’t mean to brag,. But I closed down a few bars back in the day without the Governors approval,.

   My 5 year plan is to survive this year

   My biggest fear is getting a murder hornet stuck in my facemask as I shovel snow Saturday morning in May.

   So riots are part of phase one of the reopening?

   I would pay $1,000 to watch the "View" hosts attempt to run one mile.

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   HA ... According to the Democr@ts and the DNC those so called "Russian Hackers" were much better than we thought!! Apparently they were actually able to hack Hillary's emails from the NSA, Put them on Huma's laptop and then pin it on Mr. Weiner.

   " I have known @nthony Weiner for a long long time and consider him a very good friend, His sudden impending suspicious suicide will take a serious toll on all of us." ----- Hillary Clinton

   I watched Bugs, Popeye, and the Roadrunner every day when growing up. This nation is the beacon for the world. Kids today watch cartoons with 0 violence and need safe zone. I fear the future.

   'Half the world is made up of people with something to say but can't & the other half is made up of people with nothing to say but keep on saying it anyway.'

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would unfortunately become the Misinformation Stupidhighway.

   It never fails. I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   I'm glad to see most of you are not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

   Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.

   I need breakfast! If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   If you're home alone and wearing pants, you're doing it wrong!

   If you ever want to see my impression of one of those inflatable tube guys that car dealerships use,,,, throw a spider down the back of my shirt