Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you take my jokes to heart... you deserve to be offended!!

   I wish cleaning the house was as easy as cleaning out my email.

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

   wondering when SkyNet is finally going online? I've been preparing for that moment since 1985.

   "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country." ~ Nathan Hale

   a lady insisted to sit near the window on the train to take a nap. She said she needed her beauty sleep. I told her sorry but the train isn't going that far

   Just got my baby to eat carrots over a boob. I am a heck of a salesman!

   I don't care about your opinion enough to argue with you about anything.

   Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

   If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.

   Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

   Many Jägerbombs = (Good Times + Memory Loss) / (Loss of Balance - Contents of Stomach * Hangover^115)

   currently in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

   I know when I'm cranky, because everyone around me starts acting like idiots.

   I do lots of stuff in my back yard that's illegal to do in public.

   The weather over here is terrible. Last night I dreamt it actually stopped raining. I love a good dry dream.

   Sometimes, I just want to copy someone else's status word for word just to see if they would notice..

   Drive careful studies show that 89% of all people are caused by accidents

   sometimes when I'm alone I Google myself.