Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A back-up plan means your plan sucks.

   On C.N.N. morning news there has been a study conducted that claims that teens that have sex do not always get bad grades. Bet this is especially true if they are having sex with their teachers.

   Let's make fake tan orange people an official race so we can discriminate against them properly.

   My girlfriend and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   Ladies: In order for you to find that prince charming, you must first be a princess yourself.

   The 3 stages of love and relationship: 1. Anywhere sex, fairly self explanatory. 2. Bedroom sex, it only happens here and at night if you aren't too tired 3. Hall Sex, where you walk past each other in the hall and yell "Screw You!"

   *sends text message* *gets a reply 45min later* "Oh so it's like that? Ok, then I'm gonna take twice as long to text back!"

   Dr. Suess should have been a rapper.

   The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.

   The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

   My tattoos pretty much ALL mean the same thing.... I had money to blow.

   My legs are so white, they just applied for a job at whole foods

   During sex it's perfectly fine to say "yeah", "yes", and "oh yes" but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming "yep"

   I'm old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

   I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.

   still wonders why my friends in high school all had those plastic film containers and no one owned a camera?

   My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I'm clearing out my desk

   Horror movies don't scare me. Five missed calls from my mother scares me.

   Ok, but like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?

   Picasso emoticon: ' < __ ,