Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried to join the X Men, but they turned me down. Apparently they don't consider being able to burp out the theme song from Family guy to be a real superpower

   would like to remind any unhappy souls today that St Valentine was beaten to death with clubs

   Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right

   Looks like we have an idiot on the lose today. Disregards those meaningless statuses.

   Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to

   The squiggly red lines you get when typing in Word documents are your computer's allergic reaction to dumb.

   You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

   thinks his GPS has dyslexia....I typed in "Macy's" and it took me to the YMCA!

   Love is standing on wet cement. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave and you can never let go without leaving your footprints.

   My plan to impress people with big words has failed egregiously.

   Tequila is the Clear History button of my brain

   When I see some people on Twitter/Facebook, then see them in person, I realize, ohhhh they use the new skin cream called Adobe Photoshop.

   I've decided to get in shape. The shape will be “potato”.

   The wife and I just sat in a hot car and bickered for six hours. It was the same as going on vacation except we saved $1000.

   I finally saw my 1st Porn the other day,wow I just can't get over how young I looked back then !!

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don't kill him.”

   Bringing babies on a 7 hours flight should not be allowed.

   Get her Dexter!

   Next time someone calls you a disappointment, remind them everyone is great at something and you just happen to excel at disappointing.

   Hard work never kills anybody who supervises it.