Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up

   A study has shown that 1/3 men in Maine suffer from erectile dysfunction. But looking at 1/3 women in Maine I'm not f*cking surprised.

   Success is 'high fiving' the blinking hand after you've crossed the street.

   Im hungrier than 4 biggest loser contestants stuck in an elevator wearing honeybun scented cologne!

   I'm taking a First Aid training course with CPR this afternoon. Starting tomorrow you can address me as Doctor.

   Dude, she called you short! "Oh Hell No! Lift me up!"

   Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

   If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!

   Happy Mothers Day to all the good Mothers out there and a BIG f#ck you to all the sh!tty ones

   Damn, it's muggy out there.....I'm sweatin' worse than John Travolta's massage therapist! ツ

   Just got my hearing test results back. Turns out I am deaf to a range in which women complain.

   What's worse...being the paparazzi who has to take photos of Justin Bieber or being the paparazzi who gets his ass kicked by Justin Beiber?

   It's like the movie groundhog day seeing all the same jokes over...and over....and over.

   Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not crap your pants.

   Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.

   Lets run away together ... LOL, jk I have asthma!

   Midnight bathroom trip...eyes forward, avoid mirrors, happy thoughts.

   with some of the ugly pics some people post of themselves, I'm just glad facebook isnt in HD

   Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear. I can.

   There is no "i" in liar