Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke

   Most of my life goals don’t even include me in them.

   My wife is a teacher. If they issue her a gun I will be dead by Thursday.

   Anything is possible when you have no clue what you're talking about

   I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

   There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.

   I'm still watching the Never Ending Story

   After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

   Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account

   I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

   I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.

   Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic. The proceeding random thought was for all my musician friends........

   "I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   Well, I guess we are going to see "The Nutcracker" on Saturday! My mother-in-law, not the play.......

   Strippers always say they’re just trying to feed their kids, but get super pissed when you throw cans of green beans & KFC coupons at them.

   Devil worshipers crack me up. Why would you worship a diety that lost a fiddle contest to some Georgia hillbilly?