Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Realizing that you aren't that smart after all is a sign of maturity.

   A girl just told me she wants to play House, so I started limping and insulting her.

   Its daylight saving time again people.. An you know what that means.. Playing another week of “Well it should really be this time instead of that time"We get it! Happens twice a year!

   If you pay a 55-year-old chain-smoking divorcee named Babs to sit nearby and drink beer, Wii Bowling gets a lot more realistic.

   Never reject anybody in your life, because good people give us happiness and bad people give us experience. Both are essential in life!

   WTH is Lady GaGa wearing? A bug zapper on her face?

   My favorite condiment is sarcasm, I put it on everything.

   it illegal to put "avenge my death" in your will

   Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.

   My hamster died today,he fell asleep at the wheel..

   usually if ur driving behind a person who has a TAPOUT sticker on the of back of their car window... chances are they are a huge pu$$y !

   I'm not cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.

   Don't wash your car on Friday……It always rains satellites when you wash your car.

   When I got to the part of the job application that asked, "How much money per hr/per yr" I wrote "How much ya got?" because I didn't wanna' sound greedy...

   I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.

   Love and be loved, Smile and be smiled upon .. no good has ever came from a bitter heart.

   With all these toys in the world, people choose "feelings" to play with.

   It appears my back was made for stabbing

   Telling a child to sit in the corner and think about what they've done is not a punishment: all it does is give the child time to come up with a better plan for next time.

   Why is it when deer decide to commit suicide they always choose my car as the weapon of choice!? :/