Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control

   I think some people just shouldn't be allowed reproduce because of their IQ level.

   Whenever I drop something edible I just call my dog over to clean it up.

   I don't understand why you can lead a horse to water but you can't make a teenager do the dishes.

    I might be  a 3XL at the mall, but I'm only a petite at "The Big and Tall Store"

   I am pretty sure some girls just have babies so they can put it on their Facebook pages.

   I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans "Free nights and weekends"

   A childhood of Disney movies has left me sorely disappointed in the lack of spontaneous musical numbers in my life...

   Some people have the emotional depth of rainfall collected in a thimble at the Sahara Desert.

   You know it's a bad break-up when your ex-girlfriend is posting Taylor Swift lyrics as her facebook status.

   There's a “send” button; there's a “resend button; WHY ISN'T THERE AN UNSEND BUTTON?

   When People Say, "When I Was Little I..." And I'm Just Sitting There Awkwardly Like, "I Still Do That"....

   If Her Legs Aint Never Shook Or Locked Up On Ya, Yu Aren't Doing It Right!

   If a lawyer and your mother-in-law were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go watch TV or just have a drink?

   Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.

   They say "Opposites attract" but they never tell you for how long.

   fired up for another beautiful earth spin into darkness! Who's with me??

   I hope you were all good little boys and girls and Betsy Ross brought you all presents. Happy Flag Day to us all.

   got 6 Fathers Day hugs and all I did was go to Wal-Mart... weird.

   I've been trying to improve some vegan recipes,, but so far all I've come up with is "add steak."