Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank god I have Facebook to know that Christmas Eve is tomorrow and that people are going Christmas shopping and that Christmas is Sunday.

   WHAT MAKES A GIRL GO "MMMMMMMMM"?............DUCT TAPE

   If you leave your phone unattended around me there is a good chance I will send a text to all of your contacts that says "I have recently turned gay."

   If today were a fish, I'd throw it back.

   Those cheap-ass pencils with erasers that fu*k up the paper more than the mistake you want to erase.

   Pepperidge Farms bread is fancy stuff. It's wrapped twice. So when you open it, it's still not open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need that extra step between me and toast!

   I've just come up with a status so hilarious that reading it will make you laugh so hard that you'll crack a rib, which will then puncture your lungs and then you'll die. I just can't risk it. I'm sorry, but you'll have to make do with this one instead.

   In dog beers, I've only had one.

   What do you get the girl who has everything? A round of antibiotics is probably a good place to start.

   just had the new Doritos taco........, but I still don't get the ad where they drive 900 miles to buy one. Why not just buy a bag of Doritos and pour yard waste in it?

   I'm tired of boiled eggs so I'm hiding scrambled eggs this year.

   Dear Syrian President Bashar Assad: if you are going to use human shields to protect yourself from rebel attacks, may I suggest using Snookie, Justin Bieber and Kardashians?

   Whale watching outside of Walmart.

   Having alcohol by yourself at home is considered a problem, but social drinking is acceptable. So whenever I open a mason jar of moonshine, I always log on to Facebook.

   If you owe me money, until you pay me, don't expect any of our conversations to be pleasant.

   Friday the 13th, eh? I bet there's a lot of killer parties going on tonight!

   Rhinos are really just old, fat unicorns. Don't argue. you know i'm right.

   Found my wife's vibrator the other day. Now I'm not saying it was big but I'm seriously thinking about entering it in Robot Wars.

   Here's a bit of advice: advi

   The word LISTEN contains the same letters as the word SILENT........