Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 692 of 6452

If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 5 p.m. until security escorts me out the door.
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01-04-2019 13:59 by Bob
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Ladies being mistaken for a hooker is same as us straight guys getting hit on by gay guys.
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01-04-2019 12:36
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Last night my wife came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML.
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01-04-2019 12:06
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I downloaded a song illegally in Jamaica. Now I'm a Pirate of the Caribbean.
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01-04-2019 09:31
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I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.
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01-04-2019 09:17
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they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me
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01-03-2019 21:33 by luka
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I wonder what facebook employees do to kill time at work?
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01-03-2019 09:37 by Moon
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I may need a helping hand with my New Year's resolution in giving up masterbating.
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01-03-2019 03:20 by Joker
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A good husband remembers his wife's birthday, but not her age.
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01-03-2019 02:56 by Joker
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If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.
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01-03-2019 02:54 by Joker
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My mother never saw the iorny in calling me a s.o.b.
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01-03-2019 02:48 by Joker
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If you don't have an address on your house to make it easy to find then you need to address that!
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01-02-2019 20:56
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*Angry after wasting 5 hours trying to craft a beer joke.... " This was entirely hopless!"
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01-02-2019 20:17 by Snotty
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Why does it seem that most of the women and men who rant at people just minding their own business are overweight, have missing teeth and uneducated?
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01-02-2019 18:20
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My New Years resolution, to screw them before they screw me.
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01-02-2019 15:44
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t takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
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01-02-2019 10:03
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I don't always contradict myself but when I do I don't
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01-02-2019 09:51
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My New Years resolution is to be more active. Sexually.

Show dominance on an airplane by calling the flight attendants bartenders.

The sooner you give up on me, the easier this will be for both of us.
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01-02-2019 09:34
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