Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

   Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.

   Have yourself a merry little christmas sounds pretty condescending - Jennifer Lopez

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   If you touch your phone in the right places a hot pizza will arrive at your door!

   Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family I'm a gift!!

   Oh, the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' toes. Winter blows, Winter blows, Winter blows.

   Well, I guess we are going to see "The Nutcracker" on Saturday! My mother-in-law, not the play.......

   Place aluminum foil in a paper shredder ... BOOM TINSEL !!

   FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE : 1. You believe in santa. 2. You don't believe in santa. 3. You are santa. 4. You look like santa.

   Do bone spurs keep someone out of jail? I'm asking for a friend.

   "So this is Christmas, and what have you done?" The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

   I'm ready for summer!

   Its beginning to look a lot like, I'm starting to get sick and tiered of it being cold and miserable out and I'm ready for summer!

   Why do we say that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?

   "This wall thing.... It's like a manhood thing with him.... as if manhood can be associated with him." Nancy Pelosi

   Three things I'm grateful for, 1. Family 2. Friends 3. Caller ID to advoid family and friends.

   My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear." which was good advice...... Or was it ?

   Somebody told me I should join Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in 2019. I said, naw. That's for quitters

   Gas is $2.20 I dont know when the last time I pumped gas with no hands