Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 679 of 6446

We are 3 months into 2019 and it's still January
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01-28-2019 05:52 by Mas
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I don't understand people who take a hundred selfies and then pick the best one to post. I mean how do they roll in real life if they look like the other 99?
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01-27-2019 21:36 by Moon
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Eye Doctor: Sir, you're color blind. Me: Wow, that came out of the gray!
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01-27-2019 18:03
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In sept 1945 I wish "he" was shot into space instead of his mother being impregnated with him.
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01-27-2019 14:07
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The cashier asked if I'd like my milk in a bag to whom I replied "No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container."
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01-27-2019 13:42 by Moon
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Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
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01-27-2019 13:28 by Joker
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Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)
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01-27-2019 11:03 by Jsabbage
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I accidentally walked into the women's room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn't be awkward.
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01-27-2019 08:13
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99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. After Brett Kavanaugh walks in the room, there's no more bottles of beer on the wall.
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01-27-2019 03:16
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Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
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01-26-2019 23:36
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Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
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01-26-2019 08:45
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Doctor: “Sir....” Patient: “It's MA'AM. I identify as a female” Doctor: “Okay Ma'am. You have testicular cancer”

In this cold weather, it's hard to give people the finger when you're wearing mittens.
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01-25-2019 17:33 by Joker
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I miss the days when the worst thing about Trump was just his hair.

I guess I shouldn't have used Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've only begun to scratch the surface.
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01-25-2019 11:11
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If whales are so smart, why do they swim so close to Japan?
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01-25-2019 04:04 by Truman
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Why is a person who came in second place in a race be the winner.
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01-24-2019 21:22
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Why isn't the Super Bowl on Saturday? My Sunday party plans end about 8pm...
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01-24-2019 19:31
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Just got a call from some Woman in Idaho. She wanted to know if I wanted to take a chance on an Indian Blanket? What does that mean?? I hung up. Last time I took a chance on any kind of blanket, I ended up with three kids and a mortgage.
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01-24-2019 15:17
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Who died and made Pelosi king?
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01-24-2019 15:02 by BillC.
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