Funny Status Messages

   Does the Five Second Rule apply to beer?

   This could be the best day ever... but it isn't. Again

   The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you don't know how, the soggier your cereal gets.

   Saw the mystery machine from Scooby Doo driving on the highway. Is this real life?

   I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.

   ME: So you're a drug dealer, huh? HER: It's called a pharmacist. ME: Oh, I get it. It's like how you can't say "bong" in a head shop, right?

   Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while

   Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.

   "Well done, son. I'm very appointed in you." "Appointed?" "Opposite of disappointed." "You mean proud?" "Let's not get carried away, kiddo."

   I tried to flash an oncoming driver to warn him of a cop but I think it was too dark for him to see my A**

   I hate Cliches. They're about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

   relationships are hard work, more like a full time job. Hence they should be treated as such. If she wants to leave me, she must give me 2 weeks notice, severance pay and help me get a temp assistant.

   What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.

   Today's forecast: Insanity with scattered crazies.

   37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent....

   Does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same melody?

   I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.

   Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

   After Arizona's new immigration law, the Phoenix Suns managing partner denounced the new law and said "it was wrong". So, me and 4 friends went to the game without a ticket, and got kicked out. If he liked the law, he should have let us stay.

   It's a matter of finger's lickin' where I'm Lovin' It and you can still Have It Your Way ;)