Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I SURVIVED Y2K, BIRD FLUE, SWINE FLU AND MAD COW DISEASE. 2012 BRING IT ON.

   how about a game of "just the tip"??

   Did I ever tell you about my roofer who came down with shingles?

   Do they call him Prime Minister because you can't divide him up into multiple smaller ministers?

   Cant believe why jews didn't come up with "my mind on my money and my money on my mind."

   Can you imagine how painful walking would be if we all had foot balls?

   you know what works better than a rape whistle? a rape pistol.

   I'm not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.

   Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right, instantly!

   If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

   Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? :)

   Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible

   Avoid being late, just don't show up!

   Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

   The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

   If I kick his sister in the jaw, will that circumcise a hillbilly?

   HATE: a SPECIAL KIND OF LOVE GIVEN TO PEOPLE WHO SUCK!

   JESUS SAVES... He Passes It To Gretzky... Gretzky Shoots... He Scores!

   God created Whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.

   looking for a Facebook petition for Betty White to host the Adult Film Star Awards