Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know what's worse. The fact that there are so many ugly women who walk around like they're all that or the fact that none of them are desperate enough to talk to me.

   My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.

   spending time entertaining facebookians by writing funny status's instead of doing work

   hey Justin Bieber, remember Hanson?

   It's always nice to have a baker's dozen of something, unless it's like stab wounds or something.

   Can I see my dream in 3D shades?

   I'm not saying that I'm a pessimist but I just took a sip of water from my half empty glass and I misjudged the distance to my mouth and cracked the glass on my teeth and I cut my lip on the broken edges and chipped a tooth.

   Sorry Monday but it's over. I am leaving you for Tuesday, please don't be sad.....I have to look to the future....

   If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments..

   If you take a muscle relaxer and a Viagra together you will end up a Gumby with a Pokey.....

   Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

   I knew Steve Nash deep down is a laker fan. Even his right eye and purple and yellow

   why test on animals when we have pedofiles in prison.

   Just saw my Direct Deposit amount and the "LOL" the bank typed next to it.

   I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia.

   I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster!

   You know what''s so scary, but just so sexy at the same time? A hot woman kicking your a$$ in video games.....in your room.....on your bed.

   Used the local gas station toilet today, when I walked in someone in the stall muttered "Release the Kracken"...well played creepy homeless guy...well played.

   never realized how sleep deprivation could make me think more bazarrely (is that a word?) than abnormal...thinking outside the dimension !