Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After 2 years I finally found the back piece to one of my remotes. This means more to me than it probably should.

   I'm super sick, and while I don't need anyone to nurse me back to health but I'd like someone to pick up my tissues and let me be mean to them..

   After doing some research, It turns out that not EVERYBODY was kung-fu fighting. It was just this one guy

   Attention all joined-at-the-hip couples: "Inseparable" and "Insufferable" sound alike for a reason.

   I wonder if gay people ever say things like "Oh my god that is SO straight."

   I'm about to conquer a mountain of BBQ meat so epic that my utensils are a beach towel, safety goggles, and police tape.

   Lorie Goodman ...Is having my own tribute to Dio by Cranking the music up and blowing my eardrums out for! MORIN!

   practicing karate. You know - waxing on and off, painting the fence, sanding the floor,

   Thinks MONDAY would be a good name for a Pitbull....BAD MONDAY.....BAD

   decided to burn some calories this weekend so I set a fat kid on fire.

   One used and abused slightly broken heart for sale or trade for newer model

   dyslexic which means never having to say that you're yrros

   Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life!!!!

   NBA Wives is a better name than "The Ex-wives and ex-girlfriends of ex-Miami Heat players that weren't really that good except for maybe Shaq...

   falling off this rollercoaster of boredom and falling into the deep dardk depths of insanity. . .

   Its funny how the Simpsons have been around for 21 years and they haven't aged a bit.

   cannot stress enough that grammar is important: Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse

   Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold...

   I keep hitting the "escape" key...but I'm still here

   Dear Mr. Ice Cream man: Please change your song.. That sh!t was played out in the 80's