Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Powerless to know the truth... Blinded by what I wanted to see... Ashamed that I let you in... Painful with how I'm left feeling... Devastated as I knew better...

   A skeleton was trying to fart in a crowded place but in the end it couldn't because it had no guts.

   When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Then start swinging. Make it hard for them to hit a moving target.

   Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces, 3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down.

   I love to go shopping and freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I'd like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

   I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

   until money changes color, my favorite color is green.

   Google is really an undercover gambling addiction hence clicking "I'm Feeling Lucky" compulsively.

   When filling out Hello My Name Is name tags, I always put a question mark after my name

   I don't tell lies, just fiction short stories

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   Procrastination is like masturbation; it's a whole lotta fun until you realize you just screwed yourself.

   Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want".

   rapping with Dr. Seuss. That dude has mad skills.

   could never understand why the ghosts on the TV show "Ghost Whisperer" didn't take advantage of the fact they could sneak around and see Jennifer Love Hewitt naked.

   There is actually a "man vs wild alabama". Bear said "this is going to be one of my toughest challenges ever". He's obvously seen "deliverance".

   theres nothin worse then havin a wicked case of the squirts and realizing there isnt a roll of TP in sight..

   Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio

   voices inside of his head, but they're speaking in spanish and he can't understand them