Funny Status Messages

   I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only ok if I'm actually taking a shower.

   Today I say a girl riding her bike, I thought to myself what is she doing shouldn't she be in the kitchen?

   The best stuff on earth and I just got better

   Happy 8-9-10 day, now make this day count. (little number humor. haha)

   Look up the word "idiot" in the dictionary and you know what you'll find? The definition of idiot, you idiot.

   I asked my friend how his date went, insisted I sniff his fingers... worse part is , he's gay...

   Apparently each year, more people get killed by donkeys than in aeroplane crashes.So to summarize, if you ever see a donkey on an aeroplane, you're in f*cking trouble.

   Whoever says that pizza is not good for you is sooo wrong. You can actually get every single food group into a single slice. You can't say that about much else.

   just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity that isn't bound an gagged

   There's literally no one in the world who uses the word "literally" properly

   I went to my proctologist and as I was bending over I heard him say "calm down Smith, calm down Smith" I looked back and told him "Doctor, my last name is Green, not Smith" and he said "I know, Smith is me"

   it considered cheating if you have to kiss your boss' ass?

   heard some thunder yesterday & it wasn't even raining. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that Stevie Nicks is full of crap.

   wonders who wants to a fairy princess when it's so much more fun to be the wicked queen

   gathering Kardashians to throw at you.

   Sometimes I miss you so much,I just want to rip you out of my dreams and hug you!

   Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar

   Middle school- "shut up, it was a dare!" High school- "shut up, I was drunk!"

   I remember the good old days when Nigerians were just scamming people on the internet...

   I just got a text saying... I'm Not The Girl Ur Mother Warned you About,,, Her Imagination Was Never This Good. Umm... you wanna come over?