Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that awkward moment when you hold the door for someone and you're left standing there for an eternity because they move at a turtle's pace.

   Dear cops, Please stop pretending you never drank before you were 21. Sincerely, you're not fooling anyone!

   Dear Sour Patch Kids, What happened to all the Sour Patch Parents? Sincerely, confused eater..

   People say I am so cruel, but I have the heart of a small child...in a jar on my desk...

   My parents are gone! I should do something crazy that I'm not allowed to do!... *Drinks milk straight from the carton*.... God I'm so badass.

   Dear person next to me in class, -->PLEASE WRITE BIGGER<-- Sincerely, didn't study.

   If your teacher puts 2x + 5x2 ÷ -8 + 21 on the board & tells you to "solve the problem"...get up, & erase the board. problem solved b*tch

   Teacher: Where's your homework? You: ...My dog ate it. Teacher: Your dog ate it? You: Okay! Okay! I fed it to him, so what?

   Looking forward to long car rides, So you can listen to your ipod for what feels like forever

   Dear gas prices, I love it when you go down on me. Sincerely, pretty please?

   Would you like to share that with the class? Yes, of course. That's why I was whispering it.

   I hate Glee... when I drive past stupid drivers with my hand in the shape of an "L" on my forehead, they just smile, give me a giant thumbs up and nod as I read their lips "I love Glee too!"meanwhile drifting bk and forth while driving 55 in the fast lane

   WHEN I SAY "NO OFFENSE, BUT...." YEAH, I'M ABOUT TO OFFEND YOU.

   You know those filters in your head that tell you its a bad idea to say something. Yeah well, I think mines broken.

   WHY do people point at their wrist while asking the time? I don't point at my crotch while asking where the toilet is!

   I hate it when mechanical pencils refuse to use that last half inch of lead.

   Be strong, вєαυтιfυℓ , because things will get better. It may be stormy now, But ιт ¢αи'т яαιи fσяєνєя

   Someone had their daily dose of Douche-Juice today!

   Raisins are just senior citizen grapes.

   Boy: Hey babe wanna come over later and watch me play COD? Girl: Nah I have this thing.. Boy: What thing? Girl: A life. Boy:.....