Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know that movie Anaconda? They filmed it in my pants

   If chains and whips excite rihanna then why did she break up with Chris Brown ?

   Can't believe I forgot my wife was on her period. Boy is my face red.

   Are a bag of Skittles considered a serving of fruit? If so, I'm eating healthy today.

   It must suck for Jimmer that he is the leading scorer in the nation, but isn't allowed to score!

   Freedom is never free. But it will lower gas prices soon !

   It's St. Patty's Day! Does the green stuff that I'm blowing out of my nose count?

   Grab one midget and demand their pot of gold and you get labeled a "public nusance". Anyone could make the same mistake.

   Practice makes perfect......... Does this apply to lying too?

   The one good thing about the English weather...if you don't like it - wait a minute..x

   if it's not worth breaking the BYU honor code then it's not worth doing

   it just dawned on me that the Amish people are seriously laughing at us....and our gas prices!

   Enough with the Charlie sheen already! The guys a walking joke we get it....

   plan for the day. 1. get off work and drink till Monday. 2.figure the rest out later

   When did "wear something green" turn into "dress like an idiot?"

   Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part.

   sniffing coke and ice cubes got stuck in my nose

   wondering how long it took the first humans to realize the first person to die was dead? " Hey man wake up already you are starting to smell."

   Your eyes are red,the beer is green don't party too hard,your not Charlie Sheen!

   time to take out the vibrator. Need my neck and shoulders to start feeling better. What did you think I was going to use it for?