Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone enteres the room while you watch porn, make sure not to just minimize your window... also lower the damn volume. Sorry mom...

   If he's truthful then I'm a one legged pirate......Does anyone see me with a parrot and a cracker??

   The kids down the street have challenged me to a water fight...I'm just updating my status whilst I wait for the kettle to boil

   Watching a Travel Channel show on ghosts. I don't buy the Massachusetts ghost in the red flannel shirt. Thats a meth addict, not a ghost.

   I saw a faded sign at the sign of the road. However there was no mention of a love shack.

   We need to be more concerned about dinosaur ghosts

   entrepreneurship - only cure for monday morning blues..!!

   The only thing left for me to do is to walk on water, and even at that some people would snicker and say, 'What, you can't swim?"

   suffers occasional delusions of adequacy.

   Girls its the summer time please dont walk around here in sandals with hideous feet...thats what you get for wearing Ugly aka UGG Boots lmao

   I love you yet I hate you,its like I want to throw you off a cliff then run really fast to the bottom to catch you ..

   That spicy tuna roll I ate last night gave me HOTHOLE

   here's to you nipples, without you boobies would be pointless

   A good rule for facebook: Friends don't let friends friend non friends.

   Tattoos: Nothing like a permanent disfigurement to satisfy the whims of fashion.

   Yesterday I had a religious experience: I was repressed and beaten by a man in a black robe.

   Facts are busily being ground into meat.

   Chess Master Plots Brilliant Attack On Wife!

   You guys mind if I get this out of the way a little early? Thanks. Dear Monday, I hate you.

   When are they going to do a myth busters episode on God?