Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to the retarded faces some girls like to make and the fact that it's become cool to be a jerk, nowadays, instead of duck, duck, goose, all you see in pictures is duck, duck, douche.

   Roses are brown, violets are brown, grass is brown...who took a sh!t in my yard!?

   If your woman is feeling down, be there to feel her up!

   Though they are called supermodels, they do not have any super powers. Unless class 2 drug dependency and being very thin is a power

   Singing to a song you don't really know...but that 15 second part you do know is coming, and you're gonna own that ish!

   It sucks when the trailer makes a movie seem funny but when you watch it you realize that literally all the funny parts were just in the trailer.

   If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher!!

   I'm not saying you're a slut. It's just that your "private parts" are more like public parts ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

   He told me he doesn't have a beer gut...but it is just a protective covering for his rock hard abs!!

   I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand.

   A girl just told me she wants to play House, so I started limping and insulting her.

   I've learned that no matter how much I try... how much I care... or how much I do...... some people are just @ssholes!

   According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful!

   Hahahah someone stole Obama's talking truck today in Va . Lets see that great speaker puts two sentences together now .

   I know a million ways to always pick the wrong thing to say! Hey... I'm multi-talented!! I can talk and piss you off at the same time!

   Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

   Pouring the last bowlful of Lucky Charms from its box and finding no marshmallows is like pouring a bowlful of sadness.

   I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection.

   The entire French language is a choking hazzard.

   With everything going on lately... I've got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!