Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fellas: When you are making love to your woman and she starts reaching for things that aren't there, then you know you are doing it right.

   A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.

   If I were a Kardashian, I would be Kikoo the developmentally disabled one who lives in the pool house and makes designer drool bibs.

   I met a cougar online. She said she still turns heads at her age. She was right. When we hooked up, my head did a 360 and I started vomiting green pea soup.

   what's the most polite way to excuse yourself as a guy to go to the bathroom when dining with a lady? "Please excuse me,I need to shake hands with a friend of mine,whom I hope you will have the pleasure of meeting after dinner"

   Seen a baby wearing a shirt saying; "Santa doesn't exist, but that's okay, because I can't read."

   wondering why I say I wont ever drink again when dealing with a bad hang over, but soon as its gone, start planning my next night on the lash!

   Dear Harry Potter fans,, Of course Star Wars fans are better than you,, We even have our own holiday,,,, Sincerely,, May the 4th be with you !

   Damn, three raptures and I'm still here....I'm starting to think there must be something wrong with me.

   Pretty much all of the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

   My Friends wife caught him pleasuring himself in the kitchen earlier. he was spitting into her Mum's cup of tea.

   If ‘ifs' and ‘buts' were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.

   Everybody deserves someone who'll make them look forward to tomorrow than make them dread tomorrow.

   Seems kinda strange we couldn't get even one post mortem pic of Bin Laden but nobody seems to mind Gadhafi showing up at back yard picnics and local supermarket meat freezers like he's starring in the sequel to "A Weekend At Bernie's".....Go figure!

   On his girlfriend's birthday, a guy took her to the car sale. Pointing at a tomato red BMW, he says, "Happy birthday honey! You see that red car? I bought you nail polish in the same colour”.

   Why do men chose to mess with a lot of mediocre women when they can have ONE great one? I guess Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) excite them.

   [Dear Teen/Young Adult/Rapper Who Sags Their Pants]: Do you even know the origin of that fashion statement?

   So Mr. Camping, I guess the end of the world does not occur during Eastern Standard time. What time zone is it supposed to occur in?

   They got chicken-flavored doggy treats..ok...how does a dog know what a chicken is? He might like it if you give it to him, but he's not gonna say "Oh good I was hoping we was gonna have chicken again"

   You're so creative taking pictures of your face in 11 different angles with your phone. How do you do it??