Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wearing a Santa hat is a great way let people know you're a wild card.

   What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?

   Sometimes I look at my FB feed and think "If you spent less time b!tching about your life, you might actually enjoy it."

   W.I.F.E - Will Investigate & Find out Everything

   As a comedian, people don't care about you until you speak, then they like you. As a model it's the opposite.

   Facebook seriously needs to start asking some people, “Are you SURE you want to post that stupidity?" before it allows them to update their status.

   The words "Serious" and "Facebook" DO NOT go hand in hand. Please pack your feelings in a suitcase and travel back to wherever you where before you discovered Facebook.

   Don't ask to use my Phone, and then start going through my photos, contacts, messages and call history, unless you want to meet God before I do.

   Buy a ship. Name it relation. Sit in it. You are in a relationship.

   Be the CEO of minding your own business.

   Tiger finished Yesterday with a 69. There has got to be a joke in there somewhere.

   Ok, who left the bag of idiots open??

   Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet....

   I know a lot of midget jokes but I am afraid they will come back to bite me in the ass.

   multi-directional urinating and it all landed safely at sea....gonna be a good day!

   Just had sex with a Prostitute who had only one eye. Told her I might see her again. She said shed keep an eye out for me.

   It's not hard finding someone. What is hard is finding someone worth keeping.

   had his left side removed. He's all right now.

   I like to buy kids loud gifts and laugh at how annoyed their parents are gonna get

   When buying a new flat screen T.V, always remember to put the box in the neighbor's trash can so you don't get robbed.