Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4168 of 6394
Doctor: "I have some bad news and some good news." Patient: "Give me the good news first." Doctor: "They're going to name a disease after you."
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12-07-2011 04:05 by g0re
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Don't you wish you could just google anything? Like "where's the remote?" google:"under the couch",
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12-07-2011 04:04 by g0re
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You know those nights when you just can't fall asleep? Maybe it's because you're awake in someone else's dream.
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12-07-2011 04:02 by g0re
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"You're tall. Do you play basketball?" "You're short. Do you run under tables and kick people's shins?"
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12-07-2011 04:00 by g0re
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When you have a bad injury, and someone asks you if it hurt, saying "No it didn't hurt. It felt amazing; like two rainbows having sex" is a perfectly acceptable answer.
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12-07-2011 03:58 by g0re
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Some people are born mature, and some need it thrust upon them. Tehehe... thrust.
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12-07-2011 03:54 by g0re
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Belle: "My husband is a beast." Cinderella: "Mine still drives a pumpkin." Snow White: "My husband leaves me home with 7 little ones." Mermaid: "Mine wants me to use fishnet stockings." Sleeping Beauty: "I just pretend i'm asleep." Disney's Desperate Hous
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12-07-2011 03:52 by g0re
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When I die, I want my tombstone to say, "Did not forward an email to ten friends,"
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12-07-2011 03:51 by g0re
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When it's the only thing standing between you and your comfortable bed, brushing your teeth seems like a huge hassle.
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12-07-2011 03:15 by g0re
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Dear family, thanks for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. now I can have disappointment for breakfast.
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12-07-2011 03:02 by g0re
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Drive slow and enjoy the scenery . Drive fast and join the scenery.
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12-07-2011 03:01 by g0re
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Wednesday a blood relative of Monday!
"i know one thing, and that's if you don't ask for something, you can't just expect for it to happen."
It's so cute how the outdoors try to compete with the internet.
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12-07-2011 00:19 by J
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Alec Baldwin wouldn't have been booted from the plane today if he played the part of the pilot
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12-07-2011 00:02 by smeebert
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When animal over reproduce and overpopulate their environment, we step in and cull them, supposedly for their own good. But when human beings over reproduce and overpopulate their environment, we look around for another planet to colonise.
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12-06-2011 23:54
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White parents: "Tommy, go in timeout Kid: NO mommy, YOU get in timeout. Black parents: Get ur ass in ur room before I punch you in the throat!
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12-06-2011 23:35 by fadolo
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I've come to the realization that I have attained the pinnacle of middle aged complacency. My Friday nights are mostly spent with the remote in one hand, and my b***s in the other.
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12-06-2011 22:44 by Mick F
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I need to get a santa suit and walk into the strip club to see what the girls will to do santa to get off the naughty list.
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12-06-2011 22:38 by ff1241
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I love mustache, rides.
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12-06-2011 21:38 by Erma
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