Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I'm going to end up like Plankton. Marrying my computer.!!

   Figuring things out for yourself is practically the only freedom anyone really has nowadays. Use that freedom.

   I just set off the airport metal detector with my abs of steel.

   this is the earliest I've ever been late...

   I don't always drink beer... Ahh, who am I kidding? I always drink beer.

   I'm convinced that whoever invented crack cocaine is also responsible for Samoa girl scout cookies. The similarities are too obvious to ignore...

   I hate texting people who don't use smileys. I feel like I'm texting an emotionless robot!!!

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I just hope they split us up by the music genre.

   Girls Theory “Listen Half, Understand Quarter, Think Zero & React DOUBLE”

   hates people who take drugs....customs for example

   I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the mic on his left foot and yelled, "F*ck me." What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

   Just figured a way people with no healthcare insurance but do have car insurance can enjoy the same benefits .... Whenever your sick....just crash your bike ...car or truck into a tree

   pineapples....some of yall will get it

   Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup- somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing.

   I love when my friends lock their keys in their car... And then call me like I can do something about it.. Just because I'm black doenst mean I know how to break into cars!

   Yesterday I changed the name of my WiFi to 'Hack if you can'. Today it was called 'Challenge Accepted'

   I hate it when people call me as I'm about to use my phone and I accidentally answer it.

   People who post pics of themselves after they have had sex need to be shot.

   That uneasy moment when you get tested and only one of you is positive.

   Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you'd like to put in on Monday.