Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone talks to you and that little drop of spit shoots out there mouth and onto u. you all play it off.. but inside ur like (°°) wtf!

   I have some bad news and a Justin Bierber CD. Which one would you like to hear first ?

   Why do fellas use a condom on a chick the first time or two, but then just start going raw thereafter like STDs have a trial period?

   If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

   Graduating college in 4 years is like leaving a party at 10:30

   I wonder how long it would take a giraffe to throw up.

   Some people's standards don't match their face.

   Hey Verification Code, I have no idea what the heck that says but I swear I'm human.

   I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.

   Ladies; Take care of your eyes, they're the only balls you have.

   Dear Google: We're not dating, so stop trying to finish my sentences. Sincerely, not searching for "Why can't midgets shave"

   Allow me to water your balls so they can grow. #ThatsWhatSheSaid

   In the future, you'll be able to accurately predict your past.

   I tried to give my massage therapist a tip but she refused. Something about she has a boyfriend blah blah blah.

   when you see a sign at a restaurant that says 'employees must wash BOTH hands', I think that's when you have to worry...

   I hate when a texting convo goes like this You: heyy. Them: hey! You: watzup? Them: nothin wbu? You: same. Them: cool. You: yea Them: haha. You: lol. Them: yep.

   "Drunk Posting" is worse than "Drunk Texting", because instead of one person thinking you're an idiot, EVERYONE does!

   Really? Wow! (The only two things I ever say to kids)

   if I get sexted by somebody I don't want to sext, does that mean I got molexted?

   Dear heart, next time ... Damn THINK!